Sometimes things just fall apart

If you had asked me today how I am doing, I would have told you I am fine.  I am good.  Life is great.  I might have told you the good news about a wedding I booked for next month, or how excited the kids are about the possibility of more snow this week.  I probably would have offered you some homemade peppermint bark and told you about the cute paper snowflake presents my kids surprised me with this morning.

And it would all be true. Mostly.  Because I am fine and life is good, except when it’s not.  But I don’t know how to tell anyone when it’s not.

Right now, I am not okay.  Today, I was not okay.  This past week, I was anything but okay.

If I was being honest, I would have to tell you that I am heart broken.  I haven’t slept in over a week now.  I am finding it difficult to eat.  My heart hurts and when the kids aren’t looking, I can’t stop the tears.  I feel overwhelmed. I feel betrayed.  I feel confused.  I feel alone.  

But if you ask, I will tell you that I am fine because I don’t know how to say these things.  I won’t tell you these things because I don’t want them to be true.  I am courageous. I am positive. I am living with faith and hope.  I am a glass half full kind of girl, always have been.  I can’t tell you that I haven’t been able to figure out up from down this week because that is not who I am.

I can’t tell you what I’ve lost because that would be ungrateful.  I am not someone to complain. I don’t want to burden anyone with my worries, my fears, my failures.  And it’s not that big of a deal anyway.  This too shall pass.  It will all work itself out in the end.  At least, this is what I tell myself.

So, I do what I’ve been doing for so long now.  I keep a good home.  I take care of my kids.  I go to Christmas parties, church activities and playgroups, I lend a helping hand, and I keep busy.  I’ve never been comfortable with being the victim or the storyteller, but when I do talk to a friend I tell a little bit, I admit some things, but I’m quick to point out the stars in the darkness.  I’m quick to remind everyone that it will all be okay.

I don’t know what else to do.  I can’t put words to this grief.  I can’t tell you what it’s like to feel so alone, so misunderstood.  I can’t explain the short circuit between heart and mind right now.  I don’t want you to know how fragile everything feels, or how quick I am to fall apart, to cry out that this is not the life I wanted.

When I sat down to write this I intended to write the truth.  I wanted to tell someone all the things I can’t tell anyone.  I thought if I could put them here, list them out and send them on their way, that it might help.  Bounce back, I keep telling myself.

But now that I’m here, I don’t think I can tell you everything or anything really.  I don’t think it would help.  People will offer to listen.  They will ask me what they can do, how they can help.  And that’s the tricky part – they can’t, not really.  

Right now, it’s enough just to be able to say that I’m not okay.  I just wanted someone to know.

Comments

  1. Teresa says

    I wish there is something I could do to make you feel better. I wish that there was something I could say to ease your pain. I will tell you that I know that feeling of darkness, kind of like you are in some sort of a bubble separate from everyone else in the world. And although it doesn’t feel like it right now, it will pass. And you have lots of people who love you and are praying for you. ((hugs)).

  2. Lyndsey says

    A positive outlook is always good -but the truth is the truth and there’s no running from it. It’s good you can allow yourself to admit that things aren’t okay. Everyone has times that are not okay and allowing ourselves to feel that and share it is what brings us all closer together. Remember you are loved -even when it doesn’t feel like anyone in the world understands.

  3. J.R. Robinson says

    Sometimes I think, at least this has been my experience, is that life kicks you when your down….sometimes it feels like you’ve been hit in the face with a baseball bat and then kicked again.

    Ive been there and its really sucks but all you can do is get back up, get back up, stare life in the face and say “is that it, is that all you got!”. Thats what I do anyways, as hard as it may be, what else can you do. When I look back at those times I think I’ve grown from it…I think you can too.

    I don’t read all your blog posts but from time to time I do and I’m glad that I read it today because I’ve been there, been there a few times, to the point that you don’t know if you’ll make it. I know there’s our beliefs and the church and friends and family and even our Savior and Father. But sometimes and again at least in my life, none of that seams to help….at that moment any ways. It really is hard to find someone to talk to and even if you do, how do you really express how you feel, the english language doesn’t allow us to express our selfs in the way we want.

    I’m sorry to hear your going through tough times, even though from my experience the thought is appreciated it doesn’t really help, I’m sorry. I’m not sure specifically what it is your going though and not sure if Jamie or I could help, but know that if there ever is and we can, we will.

    Send me an email just so I have it. I have a picture that I look at time to time that gives me a good laugh and gives a little strength to fight the fight. It’s not inspirational, just a goofy picture that makes me smile.

    J.R.
    Johnr.robinsonjr@gmail.com
    509.308.1283

    P.S. Really hope your ok… and call, text, email, what ever, if you need to.

  4. Anonymous says

    Allison, I do feel your pain almost daily. Feel free to call me any time and we can talk about how we feel and what happened to both of us. No one really understands unless you have been through it. Trust me, I know! Love, Elizabeth

  5. flossy-p says

    Perhaps we can’t help in the way you need, in the way we would like to. I would like to be able to switch the man you married for another one from the very beginning, to erase all the betrayal, mistrust, phoniness, and most of all your heartbreak. To make sure that even though I have switched the man, your girls would still be them (I’m talking great magic here, go with it). For all of you to be living in your house, reaping produce by the armfuls from your vege patch, and having an appreciative family for all of your baking, crafting, and the great love that you give them.

    And the fella?… Well he’d be as good a person as you are, but always be striving to be better in the small ways that matter most. And with this support you would feel free and able to be able to pursue your photography and succeed in the way you are bound to.

    All this I wish and pray for you. And you know what, I KNOW one day, all of that will be yours. It will. In time. It will. And this is why I don’t feel like I’m taunting you by saying so. I know it will be so. And I so look forward to that day for you.

    But right now you are in great pain and face many challenges, and it pains me so much too. Although we can’t help make all that happen for you right now, we are still here. We are still here for you. He may not be. We are. You have not been abandoned. You have been relieved. We (and others) are still here.

    Use us however you need to the most. You may be surprised, by telling all that you want to, you may find a great strength. This is your space. Command it as you will! Use it and us to gain some power back in your life.

    .xxxxxxxxxx.

    p.s. You amaze and inspire me in the most wonderful ways.

  6. Anonymous says

    Just read this post after stumbling upon your blog. My heart is relating to yours right now, and I will pray that you find rest, comfort, and love in Christ our Saviour, God with us. I know this is a week later but I really feel what you are expressing. Sometimes it is right not to try to talk or explain it. English words don’t suffice. But the Holy Spirit even
    understands our groanings and noises. This is such a help to me. I am praying for you and I don’t have a bunch of advice to make you feel OK. So Sincerely–S in okla

  7. Christine and Brennan Platt says

    I was thinking about you today. I don’t know why. I haven’t seen the postings come up on my Facebook homepage that I use to see and I just wondered; what new beautiful pictures you had taken, what delicious home-cooked goodness was coming from your kitchen, and what creative fun adventures you were having with your little girls…… You are amazing.
    I also wondered how you were doing. If you were surviving the horrible and difficult things that would try to stop you from being the amazing mother and woman that you are. I wondered how you would handle it; would you snap, would you reach out for help, would you bottle it up, would you somehow find a way to rise above it. Your strength and willingness to share your stories, the triumphs and the hurdles, have been truly inspiring to me. Thank you for all that you are and all that you share. I will keep your family in my prayers and hope I can raise my little boys to be good men someday. Men that can be relied on, that can truly know how to give, how to love, and how to honor womanhood.

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